Monday, February 15, 2010

A Rather Crassly Related Interchange about Bacon

Alright, so it's in the mornin and since I live so close to my job I'm walkin over to work, and I go down this one street -- you know, over by the firehouse, there -- and there's these two guys standin there in fronta this van. Not by the firehouse... what am I sayin... over by the -- you know... Jimmy, what am I thinkin of? Yeah, that's it, the deli they got there. What's the name-a that street. You don't know... it'll come to me. It's that street ova there cross from the deli. Where Frank useda live. You know, Frank, with the hair? Yeah, him. Had the Impala with the ding on it. Yeah, Jimmy, I got CRS -- Can't Remember Shit -- don't quitcher day job. Anyway, these guys're contractors or sompin. Plumbers, maybe -- I don't know. It don't matter. One these fellas is leanin on the van -- oh, and now I remember what it says on the van. Itsa white van that says in big red letters: "Ralph's Electrical Contractors and Associates." And a-soc-iates, it says, like it's some big whup commercial deal, you know, like whaddayacallit -- a conglomerate or whatnot. Whatever. Ya gonna let me finish my story, Jimmy?
So one of 'em is pacin' back and forth inna street gesticulatin' vociferously. I get a little closer an I see he's got a samwitch in his hand, an he's goin on about it
"I paid way too much f'this fuckin samwitch!" He says, shoutin like. The other guy's against the van. He's nodding at him.
"How much ya pay?" says the other guy -- you know, the nodding guy.
"Fie Dollars! F'r a fuckin BLT! Can't fuckin believe it! Those guys in that deli over there! Samwitch ain't even got any meat in it!"
So the other guy, the guy who's leaning up against the van, he don't say nothin.
So I'm saying to myself Jesus whatta coupla morons we got here. And you know me. I can't keep my mouth shut around the ignorant, so I calls over to 'em. I says, "Ya know, pardon my juxtaposition, here, but they got bacon inna BLT and that's meat, right?"
They look over at me, and they're friendly enough guys. Stupid, but nice enough, you know. The guy with the samwitch goes -- get this! -- he goes, lookin from me down at the samwitch he's got in his hand, like it's the first time he sees it an he's surprised it's there, like an alien put it there when he wasn't lookin or sompin, he goes, lemme see if I can do the voice: "Hey, yeah, bacon is meat, ain't it!"
Leanin guy just nods like he's listenin ta fuckin Socrates or some shit.
"I guess that's why they charged me fie dollars. Got the bacon in there! Thanks, pal!" Samwitch says.
"Forget about it," I says and continue on to my place of employment.
I'm about to the end of the block and I hear the guy say to the other guy, "Still ain't worth no fuckin fie dollars, I don't care if they put the whole cow in there."

Chestnut. That's the name of the street! See, I knew it'd come to me.


  1. Very conversational. It kept me reading.

  2. I loved this!
    Hope there's a seekwaal, ya know wadda mean?

  3. Interesting and conversational. It kept me reading.