Wednesday, February 3, 2010

TV Haiku

I write artless TV haiku of questionable poetic value. So can you! Here’s how!

(By the way, you have my wacky and inspirational colleague Mike to blame for this post, because he insisted I share this nonsense. Somewhere to the right of this entry, I've posted a link to Mike's blog, Dancing in the Kali Yuga, for those who want to check out his stuff.)

Two Rules to Follow for Composing TV Haiku -- (soon to be a timeless and revered genre!):

1. All TV haiku must, in some way or another, explicitly or implicitly, praise TV. Note: TV haiku may also praise nature, as per conventional haiku, but praise of TV must come first.

2. There must be 17 syllables arranged in three lines of 5-7-5. Within these parameters, however, anything goes. You could just write a sentence with 17 syllables about how great TV is, arrange them in bits of 5-7-5, and it would be, I’m sure, a mighty fine TV haiku!

For example: "TV's so wonderful that I'll write a(n) haiku about it, right now!"

Put it in 5-7-5, you get:

TV's so wonder-
Ful that I'll write a(n) haiku
About it, right now!
(Oh, and make sure you "center" it, because everyone knows that just makes it look more like good poetry -- all ooh-ahh mystical and whatnot!)
Easy, right? Now, here are eleven more of the durned things I wrote, just tonight! While watching TV!
They will say to you:
"Don’t watch TV – go outside!"
Such poor parenting...

Oracle for all
Box of inspired wisdom
Give to us our dreams

Noble TV set
Always, you give of yourself
Expecting nothing

People! Free your minds
From the tyranny of thought!
Sit! Bask in the glow...

The TV’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch the conscience
Of – what? ...Oh, who cares...

"Which do you love more?"
She asked, "Me or the TV?"
"Peace," I said. "Alf’s on."

Give me liberty
Or give me – hold on... scratch that.
Give me a TV.

The idiot box
Makes being an idiot
A fine vocation

The greatest sage says,
"All things in moderation.
Except for TV."

Get inside! Right now!
Sit down, turn that TV on,
And shut the hell up!

Tribal fire? Doused!
Village elders speak no more.
TV, instead! Yay!
Here's an older one, but perhaps my favorite:

TVs in a field.
Overhead, ducks fly by. They
Turn their heads to watch.
If you want to see some stuffier stuff, look a few entries down where I wrote some sonnets on the Seven Deadly Sins...


  1. Now that is "good shit"! (My highest praise).

  2. Much better writing than Mike's. And it is also something I would excel at: I cannot live without TV.